Your Only Job Is To Stop Being Afraid

I am afraid all the time. Most of us are. If you’re thinking, not me - good for you. Maybe you’re right. But it’s not like I felt scared most of my life. It’s only looking back at a life of questionable choices and bad habits have I realized oh yeah, of course it was all driven by fear. I was afraid of blending in, but also of standing out. I was afraid of being seen, but also of being forgotten. It’s a goddamn mess really. But it’s getting clearer. And maybe hearing me fumble towards a better understanding of my life will help clear the fog of that next thing you’ve been struggling to find too.

When I first quit drinking, I made a list. It included things I thought I could still do, and things I’d never do again. The first list included hanging with friends, going to the cottage and watching sports with friends. These were things that always had alcohol involved, but that I could imagine myself still doing sober. The second list included things that were so booze-soaked, they simply couldn’t be done sober. Even if I could go through the motions, I didn’t see the point. These were drinking events disguised as respectable getaways that most modern men recognize. They included boys’ cottage weekends, trips to places like Nashville and fishing trips.

I did my first boys’ weekend about 2 years into sobriety. Everyone was drinking but me. It was weird at first, but I settled in. I quickly realized what I was most anxious about was making other people feel awkward. Nobody wants a sober narc hanging around trying to be one of the boys. I never trusted people like that. You’re either with us, or you’re against us. You need to be a part of this so I know you won’t tell your wife what really goes on here.

They say nobody spends as much time thinking about us as we spend worrying about it. It’s true. It turns out nobody gave a shit whether I was drinking or not. They might not have even noticed. The most interesting thing, which sounds like such a cliche, is that it was actually more fun being there sober. And trust me, I’ve had a shit ton of fun on these weekends in the past. I don’t care what anyone says - being irresponsible and acting like there are zero consequences to anything you do is a lot of fun. But being coherent and walking to 2 legs all day long is also fun. That first boys’ weekend was my first inkling that maybe this sober thing wasn’t so bad, and maybe there are other things on my list I should try.

Since then, I’ve done a number of things sober I thought I’d never do. I’ve gone to concerts, big and small. I’ve gone to bars and sporting events. I’ve gone to weddings and funerals. These are things I have not done without drinking since I was 17. I don’t even remember what it’s like going without a few drinks in me before I arrived, and then a bunch more. I had to relearn how to get comfortable in my own skin again.

My latest adventure was a fishing trip up north with some friends, my two sons and a bunch of their friends. I’ve gone on fishing trips before, and here’s something nobody except people that go on fishing trips says out loud. Fishing trips are not about fishing. They’re about drinking, boating and fishing - in that order. So ok, maybe I am a bit of a narc now. A fishing trip was at the very top of the list of things I never thought I’d be able to do again. It was time to put this theory to the test.

It’s hard to put into words how I feel about the trip. I had tears in my eyes for most of it, watching my kids bomb around islands and bays with their friends fishing, laughing and having beers. And I made this happen. Sure, I could have done it when I was drinking, but I’d have been a mess. I never want my kids to see me like that, and the idea of embarrassing them in front of their friends brings a different kind of tear to my eye. It was, hands down, one of the best weekends of my life. And I know they’ll remember it long after I’m gone.

Which brings me back to my list of things I never thought I’d be able to do again, because there is virtually nothing left on it. I haven’t done all the things I said I’d never do, but I’ve now realized the list was bullshit all along. It wasn’t a list of things I’ll never do. It was a list of fears - fears I have now overcome. It was a list of stories I had told myself - stories I have now rewritten. So even the things still on the list I haven’t done have no weight anymore.

Every one of has a list like this. It took me getting sober to actually make my list, but most of us carry one around without realizing it. We have a list of things we used to do, or have always wanted to do, or have put off so long we’ve forgotten about. And it’s all bullshit. It’s a list of fears, of old stories that have been there so long they become part of us. I never set out to break down my list one item at a time. It just happened. I did one thing, and the next thing didn’t seem so insurmountable. Until I realized none of it was ever real.

And therein lies the magic for me.

You will always be scared.

You will never feel whole.

You will never be ready.

You just have to start.

Maybe the fears that held you back your whole life never go away.

But they subside, resurface smaller and eventually lose their weight.

And yes, new fears will show up.

But not to stop you.

Instead to whisper,

“Go on, become unstoppable. I fucking dare you.”